Taking on New Adventures

Being in the news business, I was at the forefront of bringing what was going on in the world to the viewers…. and too often, those stories were of people killed in unspeakable instances. I had done a good job over my career of separating myself from what was happening and trying to do my job professionally and compassionately. That all changed the morning of December 14, 2012. That was the day I started thinking that the news business wasn’t for me anymore.

I was in Atlanta for some reason I can’t remember now. My boss was out on vacation and I think a few others in my group were off as well. It was a Friday and I had a mid-afternoon flight scheduled to go back to NY. We got word there was a shooting in Connecticut at an elementary school. My first thought was that it was a teacher’s spouse or ex and had willed it to be a domestic dispute. Then we heard that many students were victims too.

At this point, and I think any news reporter or producer will echo this, I went into autopilot to do my job. The news desk was talking to emergency officials and I was in the control room trying to coordinate interviews with former police who had worked school shootings in the past, our police expert on staff at CNN and other people who could help narrate and explain the information we were able to report. At this time, we weren’t calling the school since it was still an active scene and although one person in power wanted us to call around to parents of potential students, a much stronger voice said “Absolutely not”. Thank goodness for that.

For people who don’t work in the business, you have no idea how much information comes to the news desk and producers working the phones. In this case, we knew early on that there were more than 15 deaths and many of those were students. I know we didn’t report the number for at least an hour, if not more. But when we were sure that this was a mass casualty situation, I mobilized my team for what would prove to be extended coverage of this awful situation.

In the midst of the live coverage, the bosses asked if I would go to Connecticut to manage the guest process. It was sensitive and they needed someone they trusted to handle this on the ground. I made my way back to NY on the last flight out of Atlanta, rented a car at the airport and drove home to pack winter clothes (it was unseasonable warm in Atlanta and I didn’t even have my coat with me!) and made the 1 hour and 45 min drive to the hotel our special events team had booked for us. Arriving at 2am, I got about 3 hours of sleep before heading to Newtown, CT, to start our Saturday coverage.

My colleagues had reached out to some families of the children who made it out of the school without being shot. I won’t use the term unhurt. Their hurt was evident but it wasn’t of a physical nature. One family, and I cannot remember their names, did an interview mid-Saturday morning with CNN. However, once they arrived, they decided that their 3 children shouldn’t go on TV. While the producer in Atlanta wasn’t happy, I knew it was the best for the kids and talked the producer down from being angry. Once she thought about it clearly, she agreed. The caveat was that someone had to distract the kindergartner and his older sister who was in 2nd or 3rd grade. The youngest one didn’t know that so many of his classmates were dead and the parents weren’t sure how much the older one knew. They had another child who was in junior high and was at the location as well. Because of the extreme cold that day and the fact that the parents didn’t want the younger children to overhear their interview, I had to put them in our live truck and turn off the sound. I distracted the younger two by playing a mean game of Angry Birds and got beat. Bad. After the parents finished their interview, they came over and got their kids to walk back to the car and head home. The kids told them something because they came over immediately and hugged me, telling me thank you.

Later that day, a priest who came by and asked if I wanted to pray with him. I said yes, after explaining that I’m Southern Baptist so not versed in some of the Catholic ways of prayer. He laughed, and said he’d forgive me while giving me a wink. But the prayer was nice. And helped with my emotions at that time.

I met the parents of one little girl shot and killed after being invited to show their press statement on CNN. After talking with them and their close friends for over an hour, I made the drive back to our live location, bawling my eyes out the entire drive. I met the friends of another little girl killed. They owned a restaurant in town and wanted to tell me the parents’ story since so many inaccurate descriptions of her were on the news. I got our reports updated and the next day when I grabbed coffee and a bathroom break at the restaurant, was told the mother appreciated my diligence and the fact I didn’t contact her.

All in all, the way those of us on the ground for CNN handled things was the best we could do. Like any news organization on the scene, we had some people who didn’t listen to the mandates from the bosses to not reach out to the families of those killed. But other than a few rogue employees (who happen to still be employed by CNN), we did our jobs as best we could and did not contact any families unless they called or emailed us first. Many did. And that made it no less difficult to talk with them.

I’ve covered school shootings before, and been on the scene for a few in the aftermath of the shootings. They are all difficult. But this one hit harder than the others. And this one was the beginning of the end of my news career.

I couldn’t take and didn’t want to have to call a family member or close friend, yet again, of someone who was killed in such a callous way. I couldn’t take reading the criticisms of how we were handling the story from my Facebook “friends” who knew nothing about what was happening on the ground from their cozy sofas in the Memphis suburbs and then have to bite my tongue and not respond. I couldn’t handle falling asleep and hearing the sounds of people crying at the makeshift memorials, seeing the photos and cards that friends had made for these babies who were killed in such a horrific manner. And I couldn’t handle the few people I worked with who thought it acceptable to badger a family member of someone who was killed just to fill 4 minutes of air time, especially during the Christmas season. I was done.

While it took several more months (and going to Boston for a few days to cover the aftermath of the Boston Marathon Bombings) before I eventually quit and changed careers, I know the day I made the decision in my heart. It was December 14, 2012.